As I Stare Down at the Brink of my Own Destruction

I will start this off by saying, I have friends who check up on me, and I love them for it. I appreciate it.
I recently met a friend who told me "I know how you feel, it sucks doesn't it?" That alone, has made this more bearable.



I crash after times of stress, happiness, and general activity. I workout, I see people, I go to things, but at this point in time it is all just temporary relief.
When I crash, it is almost as if I were going 120 miles per hour on the freeway and had to slam on the breaks to keep from hitting someone crossing the busy road.
I stop. Suddenly, and I cannot just restart.

I want to destroy all that I am. It's more than just suicidal thoughts. It's a total self destruction. I want to destroy my body, while my mind destroys itself. I want to erase myself from ever had existed.

I can tell when I'm getting closer to the inevitable breakdown. My moods flash through an assortment in a matter of an hour. My humor gets darker than normal.... Only a part of me isn't kidding.


This New Year has brought about the third year since I have self harmed, almost four years since I've taken a blade to my skin.
That is the highlight of my 2018

And it shouldn't be.

I'm getting listless, I want to sleep. Only sleep. Because if I am awake and alone, I can't deal with it.
I look forward to work, because it keeps me from breaking down.
I hate showers because it helps me to break down.
Drinking and being around friends makes me happy, but it's only temporary and in the end my brain asks me "Was it really worth it?"

I'm on the brink of my own existential crisis, and I hate it. I hate it when all I wonder is "What is the use of my being alive right now?"

As I pulled up this blog to write this, I have drafts, about how many times I've tried to kill myself and still am alive.
I feel like I shouldn't be.
I don't always feel like I shouldn't be.

I know I have people who care about me, and want me alive and well.
But right now?
Do I?


Or am I just an annoying little thing that people keep around out of pity?
My birthday, 2017 I crashed so hard from work stress, and was stuck at home, alone for a week straight. That for a few days my thoughts turned to "If I were to take a blade to my skin, and cut through the veins showing, how long would it take for me to bleed out? Would anyone notice?"

I will not ever do it.
Don't worry.

But that feeling is always nagging at me. The voice is sometimes more quiet, it is times when the levels of happy, levels of being "up" drop. It's screaming.
It's deafening.
The "Why bother trying" is all I hear.
I drink to shut it up, I drain my social batteries to be around people to quiet it down.




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Doug, doesn't understand.
He knows that this is a thing, and I hate putting him through the roller coaster of emotions. He doesn't understand that there is literally no cause.
It's not just one thing that tips me over the edge.
It is a lot of things that accumulate over time.
He understands circumstantial depression.
He doesn't understand that I don't know what's causing it. Or what can help.


Having someone say "I know how that goes." Is amazing.




I've been trying to be more honest about when I'm on the edge of the abyss.
I've started to ask friends for help.
I still feel a burden, a nuisance. There is not anything that can fix that.... I will always hear that voice.