Why the Holidays Nearly Kill Me Annually

I'm in recovery, I didn't have surgery or any major illness. Just people overload.
I feel like I need to explain myself, for those wondering, why I become so anti-social around October until close to February... And here it is.

I'm hungover. In a sense.
My social reserves have run dry.

Between Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve., Christmas Day, Christmas Night, New Years Eve, and New Years Day, I work around 20-30 hours of overtime per paycheck. I enjoy being able to pay the rent and utilities with one check. It takes its toll.

The social obligations drain me the most though. Family, more so than friends.

I always assumed the seasonal depression that nearly cripples me for the final quarter of the year was due to the weather, but with recent events of Christmas I realize.

It's too much social interaction.
A small peak into how my mind works before meeting some friends.

I go through approved topics, what they enjoy talking about, news, upcoming plans,future excitements, just small talk and catch up.
Planning on what we will be doing, how long, where, when.
What if time runs over? What if traffic is bad etc...

This is for one on one meetings.
A Party is different. The list adds

Who's going, who's not going, who knows what about me and my life, what is oversharing, who overshares, who undershares, who really wants someone to talk to just to talk, and who needs to be left alone. Added to the thoughts above for the one on one meeting with a friend.

Hanging out with a coworker? Rarely happens. I've had too many instances where coworkers used whatever happened outside of work against me. I have to be able to click with someone. Know what they like, how to talk with them, their sense of humor, etc. Then there's the constant ceonsorship of what I say, do, act.

Then there's family.

Mother's side of the family is far easier to talk to than my father's. The list is more like the friends prep list.

Father's side gets to be long. Add it to the friends party, hanging with a coworker, as well as, the inescapable feeling of having such a large family in a single home.

Case point: This Christmas, after about six tries to get the family together, and this is not even half of them.

Added to the individual, and the only questions being: Where do you work now? and... Oh wait...

We were told on more than one occasion "I hope you find something that makes you happy."

Yes I already have found it. Thank you. 

But this isn't a rant about my family. I love them, but they drain my supplies like nobody's business.

The crushing depression that comes over me after each party takes longer to overcome with the long hours of work. I come home and all I can really do is sit, eat, and then sleep. Wake up, force myself out of bed, to go to work or the next social obligation.

And that is what these holiday parties have become. Even for my smaller, more relaxed mother's side of the family. It still takes so much out of me. Most of these events happen after a graveyard shift, or very little sleep which only makes me irritable and impatient. My anxiety is already at a 7\10 on a daily basis, added to the holiday stress it comes to a 9, 

After Christmas Night's dinner, I was nearly in tears, shaking, and doing all I can to keep myself together until I crawl into bed again. 

It's been 12 hours of sleep on my days off, and I know I'll be recovering well until late January.
It seems contradictory, since I go to New Years Eve Parties, and have friends over early in the year.

I just need understanding, I'm not being antisocial on purpose. I just need recovery time. I have a social hangover, and the cure is a lot of sleep and recharge.
I usually get insanely sick anyway so that helps a lot. I just need to be myself, with the select few people who know me in this state. 

z