I'm Exhausted

 I'm so incredibly tired.  It's not a fatigue that I can shake. I can sleep for a full day and want more. 

I can drink a coffee and still fall asleep. 

I'm emotionally drained.  Empty. And alone.

Nobody is asking for me to be okay. But when I'm not okay. Consequences happen. My husband leaves, I lose my job, I have to find a new place to live. 

If I were okay I'd have my love, my job, and a home I loved. 

I miss my father. 

I miss having someone ask how my day was. 

I miss sharing small things with my husband. Like mailboxes shaped like dragons or a St. Bernard I see at the dog park. Or how well the dog we adopted is doing. 

But I wasn't okay. And so the person I shared my life with is gone.

I'm not playing a pity party. I dont mean I wasn't okay in the sense that me stating I was unhappy ruined everything. 

I stated I was unhappy well after I had done damage. And damage had been done to me. I am not the full fault here, but I didn't help matters. 

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling second in life. I want to MOVE. 

After Wednesday broke me. It furthered my resolve. Once I woke up to a new day. Beyond emotionally drained. Happy for that feeling of numbness. 

I'm now tired of being angry. I'm just sad. I'm lonely. 

I have amazing people in my life. And I'm grateful to them. But they fail in comparison to the one who became my everything and is now my nothing. Just so suddenly.  

I can honestly say that Wednesday was terrifying. I scared myself. I worried others. But I woke up to the alarm after a fitful sleep on the couch. 

I can be better than this right? My dreams of a forever love, with a home and dogs. My own business can still happen cant it? 

Or did I screw up everything by not being okay? 

I am tired of being alone.

Sleeping alone. 

But it seems it's where I belong. 

Good night