I'm no longer blaming myself. But after 5 months I do have something to say.
I have stated this part on my social media accounts at least once: If I hear one more person, who is practically a stranger to me, say that I'm dealing with this shit well "All things considered" I am going to scream.
No. I am not dealing with it well. The self destructive behaviors continue, just so I CANNOT feel anything. The excessive dating, the working 2 full time jobs. All it does is just stoke the fires of how absolutely exhausted I am from being angry. Do I work 80-90 hours a week for fun? Fuck no. This is a way for me to be too busy to process anything. I could survive off of 60 hours a week.
Could I survive off 40? Again. No. Thanks to that fuck.
Which brings me to the second thing on my mind. Yes I get that I am "Handling things well" But if one more person, whether I know them well or not, claims that they are happy my attempts at suicide failed. I may smack someone.
I know they mean well. But really? COOL! I'm sooo fucking happy that me being alive suits your needs. It does not, however, suit my needs. Nor even what I want.
Do you not realize what it is like to wake up after a mental breakdown, to see the sun rising as a taunt. Another mark on the "you've failed" list.
Do you honestly think I want to know that I am immortal?
I don't. People could be sad. Yes... But I? Would finally be at fuckin peace.
Take that "I'm glad you're still around." Bull shit and walk away. I'm not glad I'm still around. I'm kind of tired of living for other people's gains.
Yay.. I'm glad that you would feel sad in a world without me, But that would only be temporary.
I've also been told that me spewing out the toxicity of the previous seven years helps nobody, me working myself until I am sick, helps nobody, and me being in a fragile state of mind helps nobody.
I'm not doing this for anybody. All of this??? Is 100% For me. The trauma dumping is me coming to terms with what I had ignored for years on end... The working 2 jobs is so that I am not homeless... I'm on newer medication to even myself out, so my mental state is going through major ebbs and flows until the cemistry gets used to it.
ALL THIS IS TO HELP ME! NOT ANYONE ELSE
So fuck off with that.
I'm also tired of working for a big corporation where I have heard "We understand you're going through a lot but we have a business to run."
Yes a business that has seen an ungodly amount of increase in sales. To the point of shattering records.... And yet you refuse to give help or leeway.
I was recently told that I seem to be in a better place, than when we first met.
Yeah, benefits of losing an abusive shit bag for a husband, and being free to make my own choices.
Honestly, the thoughts of my killing myself had dwindled. I just need to leave one of my places of work in order for me to be happy.
Although happy is a relative term, isn't it? I've started wirting again, started reading again, started collecting cards again.... I've had my empty two bedroom apartment newly decorated and furnished for what I want and need.
And even with me being home just long enough to sleep.... I still feel trapped.
I don't have the serious desire to burn it to the ground though, and I assume that is a good step up. I have my car, to take me wherever I want to go, I don't have to check in with anyone about why I'm leaving.
And I am with someone who actually wants me to access my emotions and wants to figure out WHY I'm feeling the way that I am.
Not brushing it off or isolating me because it's not what he wants me to feel.
With all that being said. I am tired.
I do want someone to come take care of me.
I'm tired of giving up things I want in order to get the things I need.
People keep telling me that these 80-90 hour weeks are temporary, I hear the hope in their voice. It's asked almost as a question, but stated as a fact.
And I, honestly, cannot say yes or no. Maybe I'll keep pushing myself to my limits for a while longer, to get the house I've always wanted. Or start the business I know I can.
Even after my tormenting divorce is finalized and the shit bag is forced to pay just part of what he put me through. I'll use that as a nest egg and save more money. Working myself to my limits so that I can finally drag myself out of this debt and go traveling.
Get a house with many dogs. I don't know, maybe get the fuck out of the toxicity that is Utah in general
I was told that I don't need to leave the state to get a fresh start....
But I do. I really do. The oppressive nature of this place in general has me feeling trapped, and regardless of whom I love here, it will always be the state to hold me prisoner.
My goals are all short term.... I cannot see anything past May of 2022 when I have to decide to renew the lease here, or try to find some place else to live.
So for now, I'll work, I'll pay off debt. I'll try to save money for when that time comes.
And I'll hope that the meds even me out soon, because I miss being manic.
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