As I Stare Down at the Brink of my Own Destruction

I will start this off by saying, I have friends who check up on me, and I love them for it. I appreciate it.
I recently met a friend who told me "I know how you feel, it sucks doesn't it?" That alone, has made this more bearable.



I crash after times of stress, happiness, and general activity. I workout, I see people, I go to things, but at this point in time it is all just temporary relief.
When I crash, it is almost as if I were going 120 miles per hour on the freeway and had to slam on the breaks to keep from hitting someone crossing the busy road.
I stop. Suddenly, and I cannot just restart.

I want to destroy all that I am. It's more than just suicidal thoughts. It's a total self destruction. I want to destroy my body, while my mind destroys itself. I want to erase myself from ever had existed.

I can tell when I'm getting closer to the inevitable breakdown. My moods flash through an assortment in a matter of an hour. My humor gets darker than normal.... Only a part of me isn't kidding.


This New Year has brought about the third year since I have self harmed, almost four years since I've taken a blade to my skin.
That is the highlight of my 2018

And it shouldn't be.

I'm getting listless, I want to sleep. Only sleep. Because if I am awake and alone, I can't deal with it.
I look forward to work, because it keeps me from breaking down.
I hate showers because it helps me to break down.
Drinking and being around friends makes me happy, but it's only temporary and in the end my brain asks me "Was it really worth it?"

I'm on the brink of my own existential crisis, and I hate it. I hate it when all I wonder is "What is the use of my being alive right now?"

As I pulled up this blog to write this, I have drafts, about how many times I've tried to kill myself and still am alive.
I feel like I shouldn't be.
I don't always feel like I shouldn't be.

I know I have people who care about me, and want me alive and well.
But right now?
Do I?


Or am I just an annoying little thing that people keep around out of pity?
My birthday, 2017 I crashed so hard from work stress, and was stuck at home, alone for a week straight. That for a few days my thoughts turned to "If I were to take a blade to my skin, and cut through the veins showing, how long would it take for me to bleed out? Would anyone notice?"

I will not ever do it.
Don't worry.

But that feeling is always nagging at me. The voice is sometimes more quiet, it is times when the levels of happy, levels of being "up" drop. It's screaming.
It's deafening.
The "Why bother trying" is all I hear.
I drink to shut it up, I drain my social batteries to be around people to quiet it down.




~~~
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Doug, doesn't understand.
He knows that this is a thing, and I hate putting him through the roller coaster of emotions. He doesn't understand that there is literally no cause.
It's not just one thing that tips me over the edge.
It is a lot of things that accumulate over time.
He understands circumstantial depression.
He doesn't understand that I don't know what's causing it. Or what can help.


Having someone say "I know how that goes." Is amazing.




I've been trying to be more honest about when I'm on the edge of the abyss.
I've started to ask friends for help.
I still feel a burden, a nuisance. There is not anything that can fix that.... I will always hear that voice.

I'm Not Depressed...... But What if I Fail?

Trigger warnings, self harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, and general uneasiness on this journey.

I’ve been reading a lot about how people with depression either don’t remember themselves before the depression, or they remember how they were and miss that.
How celebrities who have killed themselves were often told stories starting with "I never thought he was depressed."

I don’t think I have ever not been depressed. But I was told that I wasn't.

My earliest memories consisted of me telling my parents that I thought I was depressed. I was probably 8.

My mother looked at me and said “You don’t have depression.”

I asked how she knew.

 “Because you’re the first one up in the morning, you have energy, you don’t just want to lay in bed. With depression it’s a fight to get up in the morning, to want to do something. And you don’t have that”

I couldn’t tell my parents that every night I fantasized about ways I could die, just to get to sleep.

 Most nights I would think about death, my death. Would people miss me? What would they do if I died in my sleep?

Those were the thoughts that lulled me to sleep.

Since I was about 9 or 10, I figured I would die… Not from natural causes, but from either my own hand, or someone whom I loved and trusted.

I would be murdered or kill myself.

It’s just a thought that has sunk itself deeper in me as time goes on.

As I got older, I would go deeper into detail of how I could die. I would not ever do it myself. What if I failed?

I tried a few times, before I became a teenager. Half heartedly.

I wasn’t depressed, I was told that I wasn’t depressed.

When I was in Elementary school a classmates sister killed herself, and my comments (as well as actions) caused me to see the school counselor.  

She assured my 10-year-old self that everything discussed would remain between us. I immediately looked for cameras and knew she was lying. 

She kept asking me why I stated I wanted to kill myself?

I never had an answer. 

The School called my parents to let them know. My faith and trust was destroyed.

I had another incident where I confided in a friend in middle school, I was just existing, I didn't want to any more.

Again counselor, and again, my parents were notified of my "suicidal thoughts". I stopped talking about it.

I was bullied in elementary and middle school. But I never felt like I would kill myself over that.

In high school my anxiety became an issue. To myself and my father. My mother and doctor just saw it as a nuisance.

I had friends who harmed themselves, and while I dreamed of taking my life on a nightly basis, I never understood the reasoning behind just cutting.

Until I started.

My road to self harm, was a progression. After a shopping trip with my mother, hearing all the negative things she’s said about herself… While I was going through the same thing, switched something in my head.

I’ve always had self image issues. Always. Ever since I was called fat and “miss piggy” in third grade.

I tore my ACL and had to quit swimming when I was 15. I gained fat, I gained weight, and nothing fit.

If I felt thin enough to wear a tank top, my mother would point out how I needed to do crunches. If I wore shorts, or hip hugging jeans, my boyfriend at the time would see my stretch marks and assume I was cutting myself.

That summer, and shopping trip ruined me. My mother was saying how useless she was for gaining weight and why should she bother even going on shopping trips anymore?
Meanwhile I would have to go up three sizes in jeans (I went from being a skinny 115 muscled girl, to a chubby 140 lb girl) and my mother would assure me, that I will go back to my size 2.

I never did.

I got home, feeling so useless and over weight. I went to my room after dinner, and grabbed some scissors, they were dull. But the pain and the welts were enough.

Tears stung my eyes as I made red marks across my wrists. I followed the veins after a while, imagining my blood spilling out and finally ending.

But what if I failed?

They were welts, and I was still in my pop/punk phase, the wristbands covered them easily, even if they were a bit uncomfortable. It wasn’t out of the ordinary.

I don’t remember when I moved from dull scissors to a knife. I am sure it was after one of many fights I have had with my maternal unit.

It was a curved paring knife. I remember grabbing it because the curve was just perfect for my wrists and ankles.

It was the first time I drew blood.

Just small scratches. Only one scarred, and that was because it got infected.

I wore a metal balled chain around my wrists as a form of bracelets normally, so again. I could hide it without any issue.

I was swimming for my high school, I was smart enough to keep my injuries hidden. Most of these instances happened over the summer months. Outside of school, and swimming.

Over the summers, nobody would know if I lived or died.

What if I failed?

Knowing what I know now, I realize what would create my low impulse in this.

It wasn’t until after high school, that my cutting went from scratches that could heal in a few days, to gashes that wouldn’t heal for weeks.

My current knowledge of first aid, comes from me having to tend to my own gashed wounds, in secret.. In my bedroom after roommates fell asleep.

I have a scar, on my left arm. I got it after about three weeks into my college time. I was alone. Tired of being tired, I took some xanex, benadryl, and sleeping pills. To get me to sleep.

I don’t remember what was going through my head, but I grabbed my bread scoring knife (it was essentially a double edged razor.) and I cut deep into the groove of my arm where my bicep met my shoulder muscles.

I needed stitches, but I grabbed some towels, put over the cut, and fell asleep.

In college, I drank, I abused my medications, and I genuinely hated myself.

I took diet pills, stopped eating, and tried to over exercise the weight I had gained from culinary school.

My first actual attempt at suicide happened when I was 22. I was isolated, alone, and on the outs with family and my boyfriend at the time.

He couldn’t handle me at my worst, and so it was my fault.

I took my xanex, (what little I had left of it) and a bottle of sleeping pills. I wrote a note, to be found on the computer, in case anyone checked up on me.

I wasn’t depressed, I still got up early in the morning, I worked two jobs, I had a social life. I wasn’t depressed. Just suicidal.

I remember my heart beating funny, and taking another hand full of pills after the first didn’t put me to sleep.

I awoke the next morning, after only a few hours of sleep.

I failed.

My road to recovery has been long, a decade. I’ve finally stopped cutting myself, I went from nearly being hospitalized, to scratches, to digging my nails in my skin, to biting my lip, to now I just clentch my fists.

It was control that I had when I needed physical pain. It snapped my brain to focus on something.

My demons are dark, I still get myself to sleep by thinking of my death. I’m not depressed. I still can’t stay in bed all day.

But every day is a fight.

Every day alone is a fight.

My demons come out when nobody else is around to keep them away.

I contemplated harming myself last year, over my 28^th birthday week. I thought about just ending it.

I had taken a week off from work, with the anticipation of spending it out and about. And while events happened. It left me home, alone, isolated, for 12 hours out of the day.

Nothing seems appealing to do after that.

I’ve always crashed after social situations, this I knew. But it was the absence of something to do. I knew this by then.

I cover my depressed and suicidal self by being overly busy. I always had as a kid too.

I had chores, I asked for more chores. I went out with friends, I’d take walks with my cousin, I’d chase away those demons with work and other people.

I still do.

I remember the pain I felt when my parents worried about my brother, for always partying, and being out with friends…

Ignoring the fact that over the summer I was isolated, I spent the time in my room, or doing chores, or in the basement….

I’m proud that I’ve gone over two years without self harming.

I’m happy that I haven’t attempted to kill myself. Either intentionally or unintentionally.

I am grateful for all my friends who helped me through this phase.

But my battle is never over. I still over use sleeping medications when I can’t get my thoughts to stop. I still use diet pills when I feel like I need to be a better form of myself.

People talk about how the celebrities who have killed themselves always seemed so happy.

So am I. It is a mask we all wear, and sometimes, the facade is far better than the reality.

I can’t be left alone to my own devices for more than a day or two, or else those demons will creep up, and try to pull me under.

I don’t know who I was before they came along.

I’ve always wanted to die, as long as I can remember.

I was always a happy, if not sometimes stubborn moody child. I would smile, laugh, and play games.

But when I was alone, my demons would come and play.

And they were (are)  always hungry.

Depression isn’t just a blanket list of symptoms.

It comes in all shapes and sizes.

For me, it’s that voice stating “why bother? You’re useless now, as you’ve always been.”

After every task I complete.
If I do the housework, those creatures are still there, “Why bother?”

I failed at taking my own life, and now they tell me “You fail at life, and death, what’s the point of you?”

I don’t know what the point of me is.

Maybe I don’t want to know.

I just want to be at peace, at some point in my life.

Dear 17-Year-Old Me...

My cousin posted a letter to himself... One of those "advice to hold you over for the future" Here is my take on that.


Dear Jessica,

You are just 17, and struggling. I will let you know, that in ten years, you learn so much more about yourself and life.

That anxiety issue you have? Good news, it is manageable. It is no longer crippling, leaving you lifeless, breathless, and sobbing on the floor.
It is all school.
Since you graduate (and yes, you graduate, which you already knew you would... But there are hiccups later on in your senior year.) the panic attacks you have can be counted on one hand...
You become terrified of sleep, but overcome that fear as the nightmares end.

I have good news also, you are out of your mother's house. You're free. But the downside.. You always move too fast (instant gratification maybe?) you're struggling, but overall happier than you thought possible.

Yes, I've read those notebooks.
You write with more substance, as you experience more in life.
You try to find things to focus on, as you grow older. You get better at baking, cooking, music, and even meeting people.
Yes, you become easier in social situations.
You learn to like a whole new world of possibilities.
Music, Painting, Sewing (yeah sewing) Costuming, going to Conventions (you nerd)
You have learned to embrace you, for you. (while you still may hate it)

And after heartbreak, you find someone who can put you together, and help make you whole.
You can be alone, without fears. You sleep better at night with him by your side.

You still dye your hair in summer, and cut it in the fall.
You maintain a lot of your childish sides.  And you know that you are accepted by at least one other person.

You are free. You are on your own, and you are alive. You make enough money to support yourself. You may struggle, but you are still doing it.

The sad news is that you lose your father, but you grow and learn from it.
Your strained relationship with your mother becomes more, until you find a way to break free.

You're engaged! You finally found someone who makes you laugh, smile, and feel loved.

Why the Holidays Nearly Kill Me Annually

I'm in recovery, I didn't have surgery or any major illness. Just people overload.
I feel like I need to explain myself, for those wondering, why I become so anti-social around October until close to February... And here it is.

I'm hungover. In a sense.
My social reserves have run dry.

Between Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve., Christmas Day, Christmas Night, New Years Eve, and New Years Day, I work around 20-30 hours of overtime per paycheck. I enjoy being able to pay the rent and utilities with one check. It takes its toll.

The social obligations drain me the most though. Family, more so than friends.

I always assumed the seasonal depression that nearly cripples me for the final quarter of the year was due to the weather, but with recent events of Christmas I realize.

It's too much social interaction.
A small peak into how my mind works before meeting some friends.

I go through approved topics, what they enjoy talking about, news, upcoming plans,future excitements, just small talk and catch up.
Planning on what we will be doing, how long, where, when.
What if time runs over? What if traffic is bad etc...

This is for one on one meetings.
A Party is different. The list adds

Who's going, who's not going, who knows what about me and my life, what is oversharing, who overshares, who undershares, who really wants someone to talk to just to talk, and who needs to be left alone. Added to the thoughts above for the one on one meeting with a friend.

Hanging out with a coworker? Rarely happens. I've had too many instances where coworkers used whatever happened outside of work against me. I have to be able to click with someone. Know what they like, how to talk with them, their sense of humor, etc. Then there's the constant ceonsorship of what I say, do, act.

Then there's family.

Mother's side of the family is far easier to talk to than my father's. The list is more like the friends prep list.

Father's side gets to be long. Add it to the friends party, hanging with a coworker, as well as, the inescapable feeling of having such a large family in a single home.

Case point: This Christmas, after about six tries to get the family together, and this is not even half of them.

Added to the individual, and the only questions being: Where do you work now? and... Oh wait...

We were told on more than one occasion "I hope you find something that makes you happy."

Yes I already have found it. Thank you. 

But this isn't a rant about my family. I love them, but they drain my supplies like nobody's business.

The crushing depression that comes over me after each party takes longer to overcome with the long hours of work. I come home and all I can really do is sit, eat, and then sleep. Wake up, force myself out of bed, to go to work or the next social obligation.

And that is what these holiday parties have become. Even for my smaller, more relaxed mother's side of the family. It still takes so much out of me. Most of these events happen after a graveyard shift, or very little sleep which only makes me irritable and impatient. My anxiety is already at a 7\10 on a daily basis, added to the holiday stress it comes to a 9, 

After Christmas Night's dinner, I was nearly in tears, shaking, and doing all I can to keep myself together until I crawl into bed again. 

It's been 12 hours of sleep on my days off, and I know I'll be recovering well until late January.
It seems contradictory, since I go to New Years Eve Parties, and have friends over early in the year.

I just need understanding, I'm not being antisocial on purpose. I just need recovery time. I have a social hangover, and the cure is a lot of sleep and recharge.
I usually get insanely sick anyway so that helps a lot. I just need to be myself, with the select few people who know me in this state. 

z

I'm Going to Get Real

I was at work, loading the ovens when this hit me. Pretty hard.


This year, I want to be the first solid 365 days where I do not harm myself, or attempt suicide.
It reminded me how there are oh so many "News" articles, going around about how to fight mental illness...

Most of them state finding a support system, and getting help.

The motto that was drilled into my head when I was in elementary school was "Suicide is a Permanent solution to a Temporary problem."
I can see where they're coming from in that regard. YES! Death is very permanent.

However, I disagree with the saying "TEMPORARY PROBLEM"


Take Me For Example:
I hate myself, I find most everything I do loathesome. I hate who I am, I hate what I have become, and I hate what has made me this way. My very issue is within myself. Not a temporary feeling.
Prime Focus: I took up a second job, because me being home alone so often was making me want to End It.
How can that be a "temporary" thing? I've had these feelings since I hit puberty. Since I was 12-13 YEARS OLD I have had this inner feeling of discontent. This desire to destroy myself.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

But if your problem lives within you, and will always be your problem, as long as you wake up in the morning, as long as your eyes open. The problem is there. With every breath, and every blink of your eyes. The problem exists.
I'm not talking about the usual black cloud of depression that follows you.


My Adolescence  was filled with anxiety and doubts.
By the time I entered college I had tried to killed myself many times, and have taken up self harm.
The scars I had were small, mostly containable. Nearly invisible. I was wanting to Make a New Start.
But that ended badly. The first few times of having alcohol I was so Emotionally Repressed that I gave in to my addiction more so, losing all sense of self control. I couldn't hide my feelings of self loathing.
I took a razor for the first time and cut deeper than I ever had before. After I took A Handful of sleeping pills, my xanex and benadryl Hoping I would Never Wake Again.

But I did, Again, the scar on my arm, ran along my deltoid and bicep. My focus at the time was to cut along the muscles I loved so much.

That Was the First Scar That Never Faded.
After a few of those fateful nights, I thought I would take advantage of the schools, phone therapy services.

WHAT A WASTE

I told them that I was feeling isolated, my thoughts are very dark, and have been for a while, and when I drank I tried to kill myself.
Their response?

"Well Alcohol is a dpressant, so you should avoid that."

I stopped giving them information. It wasn't until 3 Days after my FIRST CALL that they tried to contact me.
Someone calling them saying "I want to kill myself more often than not." and they waited three days for a followup. I had voice messages, "Hi please call us back for a followup"


I came home for Thanksgiving break, and confessed to my parents that After social contact my mood drops dangerously low. My energy would be shot, and my thoughts turned to how useless I was in the world.
I was taken to a doctor.

After a very short "Emotional survey" he diagnosed me as borderline manic depressive and prescribed a mood stabilizer... To someone who was more depressed than manic. The prescription?

900 mg Lithium daily No he didn't test any of my blood or organ functions while on this medication. He flat out told me to Self medicate and adjust accordingly.

Let me repeat that...

900 mg Lithium TO SELF MEDICATE AND ADJUST ACCORDINGLY.
  Two entities whom I was supposed to trust have already failed me.
I went back to college dejected, but determined.
No surprise the pills made me sick, and made my depression worse. I would even out, my happy days lasted for more than one day. But, Eventually I had to increase dosage. I sent a message to my friend at the time.
It said "No wonder people on anti-depressants kill themselves" I crashed, after a few weeks of being level, I dropped. I hadn't felt lethargic until then.  

College was a low point for me. 
I gained an eating disorder
My anxiety was back with a vengeance
My self loathing was through the roof. 

My father had to get a heart transplant, and honestly focusing on that helped me get through everything. I came straight home.

My issues didn't rise up until I was found to be in a Toxic Relationship

But We'll touch on that later.

I did what I did in High School: I focused on other problems around. I didn't have the chance to Internalize my dislike. I focused instead on helping.
My identity became tied to taking care of the family.
I told myself: "Gotta Keep It Together for Them." I focused on keeping the family functioning. Through my father's sickness, and his recovery. It became who I was. 

Flash Forward a Few Months: My father is doing well, he received his heart transplant, and could drive and take care of himself. He was granted his full, complete, independence. As a Family We Were Overjoyed.

I worked at my internship I buried myself in my work instead. But feeling not as needed, my mind started to turn. By this time I had been on my prescription for over a year and was getting used to the side effects.
From working and hiking I was feeling like a newer, better person. Losing the weight from college helped me a lot also.

But there was still something missing.

That's When I found my Toxic Relationship.

It was a bad fit, but I wanted to please I needed to be Needed This was the start of my co-dependence. 

I didn't know I was Co-dependent at the time. My only aim was to feel significant.
It didn't end that way.
Within the first year of the relationship I added new scars, and attempted suicide more than once.
My cutting habits changed. I was no longer cutting out of depression, but anger..
I would cut deeper, more often, and feel nothing.

I became addicted to being numb.
I wanted to stop Feeling like a failure, and feel nothing.
I had hardships at work, I lost my job due to unfair circumstances.
I had friends tell my boyfriend that I had a habit of playing the victim.
After being out on my own, I was Facing the reality that my life was failing and I need to go home.
I found two jobs, but neither could Justify me living on my own.
I quit one to go full time somewhere else, and moved home.
I gained the courage through a strong and fantastic coworker to leave my toxic life behind.

Up until Recently, I still: Cut, contemplated suicide, hated myself.
I have a great life, why should I be depressed?
I stopped taking my medications after speaking with a thearapist, he didn't suggest anything. Just said that the dose was incredible. After a few sessions I couldn't push myself to open up more. all the professionals have let me down.


I still remember: the hollowed out feeling every morning I would wake after an attempt. The desire to not just feel pain, but to see the blood when I cut.
I NEEDED THE BLOOD to reset
Most people reset with the sudden pain, I need to see my skin part, to break blood vessels, to lose my life force on to whatever surface I can.
Scratching, or welts, biting, never had the same effect.
I need blood.


While I am in a better place, for the time being. I still have to do a lot to not get sucked into my dark thoughts.

I do anything I can to keep my mind off of me.
I worked two jobs, not for the money, but something to do.
I would rather be too busy than to stay at home.
I could never work from home, I can't stand being alone.

I hate feeling like I've failed.


While I still hate myself, I have found an awesome support system in friends, and loved ones.
I've started to look forward to the future. 

I am not the person I once was, I have changed, and while I may not like who I am. I know that others like me. 
As silly as that sounds, that matters more to me.
I still crave distractions, after an extended period of time, my co-dependent self turns against my independent self, and casts doubt.
Thoughts like
You're alone because nobody wants to deal with you.
Nobody wants to hear it when you're feeling down.
You're just playing the victim, nothing is wrong.
I have everything I need, why am I so angry with myself?
I don't deserve happiness.
I'll die at my own hands, or the hands of someone I love so why bother?
Living is pointless, life is pointless, all I do is disappoint.

I am slowly trying to fight these thoughts, but someone can only sleep, and work so much, before the anxiety of an unkept house, and homelife adds to the pile.

I will never win with myself.
I will NEVER WIN WITH MYSELF

So tell me, how is Suicide a permanent solution to a temporary problem for me?
I am the problem.